No Caffeine, No Nicotine & No Wikipedia 5-2010

 I drank half of a 32 oz fountain Coca-Cola on March 17. Otherwise, no sugar laced caffeine water, and they do have a vending machine upstairs.

I think I am doing very well fighting off the Coca-Cola temptation, but truthfully it is not much of a fight. I have no need to be up and moving at warp speed. What I do: I go to the washroom, the water fountain, meals, but mostly I stay on my bunk, reading or writing.

Odd that every time I did try quitting caffeine, that it was a major PITA. Headaches and grumpiness (put mildly) ensued, and really made the attempt painful. (Oh, a shout-out for Chantix - the first time I used Chantix it worked great for the caffeine addiction, too.)  [Twelve years on and I have become quite leery of Chantix. I had some very strange and unusual dreams, the kind not so good for someone inclined to depression, and quit using it shortly after starting back in 2002 or 2003. I am not sure if it did not increase my depression tendencies. sch 10/30/22.]

I could get a smoke inside, too. I do not want to be beholden to anyone in here. (I expect the same at prison - even if it is federal.) I had the hardest time with the nicotine addiction last week while reading Raymond Chandler (about the only people not smoking in Chandler were the real creeps) and from smelling the smokers here.

What I understand is the nicotine and caffeine ought to be out of my system. (I think the same is true of the cocaine, which has been far less interesting to me than caffeine.) So is what I call the nerves, or what others would call jonesing or geeking. What has to be going on is psychological, the mental remnants of habit. Trying to remember what William James wrote all those years ago about habit. I wonder if there will be cell damage, nerve damage, that might, will, heal given time? After all, I have been intaking caffeine and nicotine for over half of my life.

Why does my brain have so few voices inside it now? A month ago, I was handling a multitude of ideas, plans, cases, facts, schedules in my head. [This sentence makes me think this was written in April 2010, but this sheet is loose and with the May notes. Chronology probably does not matter when the difference may just be weeks. sch 10/30/22.] Now there is only one general thought. That is about my sentencing. I have one emotion, and a large one at that - annoyance at how my plan for suicide went awry. Oh, well, "the best laid plans of mice and men...." Otherwise, a lot of white noise unless I am writing. Odd. I wonder how much of this is going cold turkey on my chemical additives, or some cause I cannot see, or both.

I admit money and opportunity, I will buy a pack of Camels and smoke them. I also want to buy an anchovy pizza. [Anchovies have disappeared from local pizza menus! sch 10/30/22.] Even the crackhead friends knew I preferred my Camels to what they preferred smoking. Hard to admit, I think I want my anchovy pizza more than I do my Camels.

Want to know what I miss most? Wikipedia. I find the lack of information painful when the memory fails on the meaning of an allusion or term I read. The arresting officer thought I spent all my time on my computer illegally, when if I was not working, then I was bebopping my way through Wikipedia. Maybe this would be a good question for the shrinks: why was I so interested in medieval history?

I think this geeking for Wikipedia says more about me and my world than my missed cigarettes and Coke.

sch