Summing Up, Part Three 5-2010

 [Continued from Summing Up, Part Two 5-2010. I do not know how I titled this piece back in 2010. There is an assumption this piece belongs to May - it may belong to April. There may be some edits due to my monitoring software. I almost skipped publishing this for these reasons, and admittedly I am a little tired of myself from 2010. I know what happened - just about everything I thought would not: I kept writing in prison, I did not die there. In these pretrial notes is an underlying feeling: that I needed to spew forth everything that was in my head, as I had kept silent when I thought I should not have, and time was short to make up for my cowardice. For all these reasons, I will publish. Notes from the present day are, like this preface, in brackets. sch 10/30/21.]

I will note I was with two women between the time my left at the end of May and my arrest. Ione was 37 and one was 41.

The law arrived on Yahoo claiming to a woman I had chatted with on another service. On the other service she claimed to be from Elkhart, and now she claimed to be from Carmel. Between this and how they wrote their chats, I concluded they were finally the cops. I sent them illegal pics. This suited my plans to get arrested. 

Why did I do this? Call it my Scot-Irish fatalism striking home. I had given up on the law showing up, and that they did felt like the hand of fate had grabbed me. If I had not procrastinated, there would not have been anything illegal to send them. I had set on a course, now I was stuck with what I had started. My soon-to-be-ex-wife thinks I need to be in a hospital, that I might be bipolar. I did not feel insane. All this made perfect sense to me back in February.

That I used the filth to kill my career, my life, was intentional. I did nothing to protect myself, since I wanted self-destruction. What I assumed was that I would be let go on bail, go home, put the car in the garage, and I would stay within the car as the carbon monoxide did its thing. That this did not turn out as planned, I have already written about.

I am shocked by the support from family and friends.

I have it in mind that I will die in prison. This expectation feels liberating in its rightness.

I will say that if I had known the injury and pain I would cause in others, I would do things differently. What I would do differently shifts from being better at suicide to not even attempting suicide. 

Now all I can do is apologize to everyone I have injured. I know that I am where I can do more new harm.

sch