Even More Do I Need AA?

 E- insists on AA. Have I mentioned any desire to smoke crack? No. Cigarettes have proven unsatisfactory and I was far more addicted to nicotine. I wonder now why I used to smoke two packs of Camel regulars a day. Oh, yeah,I didn't want to get this old. Muncie means Ball State University and a bus system and a reasonable cost of living, and nothing more. Crack cocaine was the means to an end - an early death. It did not work out and I have put self-destruction off the table. 

To my mind the addict loves the focus of their addiction. CC told me she dreamt of crack cocaine. The meth heads I met in prison always spoke of their favorite drug in tones of romantic attachment. Getting high was always the boring part of my "secret life." That "secret life" was the real thrill and now that is all public and dead as a dodo. I don't see AA helping me cope with a substance I find a waste of my time.

My writing how I do not see AA being able to help me probably sounds like every addict denying their addiction. However, read these notes and I do not think I have denied any problems. Have I not listened to criticisms made about me and then put down my responses on paper for publication? See, writing has been my therapy. 

I did not need any substance to make me feel better about my life or myself. Which is another element I have noticed in addicts. Crack cocaine left me feeling dumber, number, than I liked. What I wanted it to do was to end my life. 

What positive moral support I get to keep on living I get from the Orthodox Church. We have more steps.

sch

5/31/21