Freestyle 3-12- 2013 (Part 5)

 [I am back working through my prison journal. It is out of order… Well, the order is as I have opened boxes. The date in the title is the date it was written. I hope this is not confusing. What you are reading is what you get for your tax dollars. Continued from Freestyle 3-12- 2013 (Part 4) . sch 8/16/2025] 

Looking back, I see only a rotten-tempered, poor-mannered stubborn lout who has lived a shallow, meaningless life. I constantly let down friends and family and lovers. I want no eulogies at my funeral but this: he screwed up his life, learn from his mistakes, and do better.

Do not confuse my thoughts with self-pity. I feel something far closer to annoyance than self-pity. Annoyance at what I was, and annoyance at never being able to correct my errors. What a terrible thing to see how to live a better life without being able to live it.

I fear more depression's lingering effects than self-pity. Depression deranges normal thinking.

derange... 1. to throw into disorder; disarrange. 2. to disturb the condition, action, or function of....

sch

[8/16/2025: I did not note the dictionary used for the definition above. DERANGE Definition & Meaning (Merriam-Webster) follows the quote closely enough for rock-and-roll. Continued in Freestyle 3-12- 2013 (Part 6). sch]