Me at 53 (Part Five): 3/6/2013–3/10/2013

  [ I am back working through my prison journal. It is out of order… Well, the order is as I have opened boxes. The date in the title is the date it was written. I hope this is not confusing. What you are reading is what you get for your tax dollars. Continued from Me at 53 (Part Four): 3/6/2013–3/10/2013. sch 7/14/2025]

I have had peace and quiet enough to contemplate what got me here. Not my crime so much as my life. I risk annoying the officials who control my life now because of the thousands upon thousands of dollars spent on my crime and punishment will possibly appear money ii-spent by saying my crime is not the worse thing I have done with my life. My crime is merely symptomatic of a worthless life.

I see now the only real struggle is between those favoring life and those who do not. I got sidetracked by a failed relationship into issues of sexual power games. Those games left me in an intellectual cul-de-sac. The longer I stayed there, the more self-destructive I became. I thought Olympic curling lit a path out of there. Immigration and Customs Enforcement came along instead with a different escape from my life.

I believe now that there can be no hedging one's bets with nihilism. I know we carry within us our personal abysses that lure us into the muck of self-hate and self-destruction. We can see all succumb to negation.

I also believe we can redeem ourselves.

[7/14/2025: Continued in Me at 53 (Part Six): 3/6/2013–3/10/2013. sch]