I take the PCRA OFFENDER SECTION Test

My PO sent me this PCRA OFFENDER SECTION test to do, and I did this morning. While reading, it certain thoughts came to me, of which one is I need to post this to the blog.

Well, I did. Along with my comments on the questions and my answers. The comments are indented. My answers are the numbers at the end of the statements. The Directions below explain the numbering scheme.

If youa re interested in what the federal government wants to know aobut me, how I answered their questions, and what I think of their questions, feel free to peruse the following. I will admit is long.

 Directions: The following items, if answered honestly, are designed to help you better understand your thinking and behavior. Please take the time to complete each of the 80 items on this inventory using the four-point scale defined below: 4 = Strongly Agree 3 = Agree 2 = Uncertain 1 = Disagree

1. I will allow nothing to get in the way of me getting what I want  3 

Probably not quite the best answer, but I will work on goals, sometimes like a workaholic, but anyone reading this blog will know how work and health and unexpected events get in my way!

2. I find myself blaming society and external circumstances for the problems I have had in life  1

If I had been - or am - the sort of person who blamed others, I would be like one of these nuts who commits a mass shooting. No, I was brought up to take responsibility for my own action, not blame others. That was why suicide seemed the best solution in 2009.

 3. Change can be scary 3

Yep, just ask the stockbrokers and bond sellers, how scary life is right now. Life has been scary because there is no map on where you are going. Just got to live with it. There is also a difference between being scared and frightened (see Faulkner's The Bear for that explanation.)

 4. Even though I may start out with the best of intentions I have trouble remaining focused and staying “on track” 1

This might be my ego, but I like to think I eventually get there.

 5. There is nothing I can’t do if I try hard enough 3

Well, yeah. That was how I brought, too. Keep trying. Now, at 65, I doubt I can run the hurdles, and I know I cannot flap my wings and fly.

 6. When pressured by life’s problems I have said “the hell with it” and followed this up by using drugs or engaging in crime. 3

Oh, boy, I gave the wrong answer there. Oh, well.

7. It’s unsettling not knowing what the future holds 1

It is also exhilarating, and keeps boredom at bay. On the other hand, I am in the stock market or the bond market, or an immigrant of any sort. For those people, the future is probably scary.

 8. I have found myself blaming the victims of some of my crimes by saying things like “they deserved what they got” or “they should have known better” 1

First, of all, the judge at my sentencing said there were no victims in my case, so it is hard to blame the non-existent. Second, see above where I wrote about taking responsibility.

9. One of the first things I consider in sizing up another person is whether they look strong or weak 1

Problem or not would be more likely my first thought. 

10. I occasionally think of things too horrible to talk about 3

Although, I tend to write about them - like the mass extinction of humanity thanks to our inaction with climate change.

 11. I am afraid of losing my mind 1

Zoloft has helped with that, so has church, and time. It seems many things that made me feel crazy, are real. Such as the fall of the United States to a fascist regime. Also, I no longer dally with women from Madison County; crazy women....

 12. The way I look at it, I’ve paid my dues and am therefore justified in taking what I want 1

As a member of society, the dues are ongoing. I never took what I wanted, I worked for it. 

13. The more I got away with crime the more I thought there was no way the police or authorities would ever catch up with me 1

Since I was trying to get caught, I was wondering where were the authorities. Getting caught took a lot of work on my part. They finally showed up after I had given hope of getting arrested and had given up my criminal activities. I just called it the hand of fate and went quietly.

14. I believe that breaking the law is no big deal as long as you don’t physically hurt someone 1

Not hardly. Physical harm is the least of all harms - economic and psychological harms are far more wide-ranging and long-lasting.

 15. I have helped out friends and family with money acquired illegally 1

Since my money was not acquired illegally but through work, nor was my crime one of theft, this seems a silly question to be asking in my case. A sure sign, this is an exam given without thought to my personal situation.

16. I am uncritical of my thoughts and ideas to the point that I ignore the problems and difficulties associated with these plans until it is too late 1

The only thought and idea I was uncritical about was the plan that if I got arrested, I would have no reason not to commit suicide. See how that worked out? I think anyone reading this blog might have gleaned I am rather critical of my own ideas and thoughts.

17. It is unfair that I have been imprisoned for my crimes when bank presidents, lawyers, and politicians get away with all sorts of illegal and unethical behavior every day 1

Sure, it is unfair - if they got caught and got away with their crimes. However, I committed my crimes with the intent of getting caught, so I will not play the hypocrite and complain about others getting away scot-free. One thing I noticed in prison was how many white people with a middle class background, and, yes, generally falling within the SO camp, complained about their punishment. My reaction was, no wonder the professional criminals dislike us.

18. I find myself arguing with others over relatively trivial matters 1

I value my time too much for doing much arguing over trivial matters, especially when the fate of the country and our species is questionable.

 19. I can honestly say that the welfare of my victims was something I took into account when I committed my crimes 1

Again, the sentencing judge said no victims, so I disagreed with the statement. Probably not what my PO will want to see.

 20. When frustrated I find myself saying "screw it" and then engaging in some irresponsible or irrational act 1

About as irrational I get anymore is putting off the dishwashing and going to sleep.

  21. New challenges and situations make me nervous 1

They keep me from getting bored.

 22. Even when I got caught for a crime I would convince myself that there was no way they would convict me or send me to prison 1

Again, I committed my crimes with the intent of getting caught, so I have to admit this was not my thinking. Besides, this makes me sounds like Dillinger. I got caught for the crime I was convicted of, it is not like my life was a non-stop crime spree.

23. I find myself taking shortcuts, even if I know these shortcuts will interfere with my ability to achieve certain long-term goals 1

Yeah, I had trouble with this one - why would I take a short-cut that undermines my long-terms goals instead of a short-cut that will further my long-term goals? I am often a damned fool, but I try to be an efficient one. If my goal is to get to the other side of the mountain, why not take the highway that goes around instead of climbing over the mountain?

24. When not in control of a situation I feel weak and helpless and experience a desire to exert power over others 1

Frankly, I think there is a non sequitur in this question. Because of feeling weak and helpless, there is a desire to exert power over others? That sounds more like MAGA thinking. I do not see how exerting power over others puts one in control of a situation. Exerting one's own will to grapple with a problem is what I think would be the proper reaction. Besides, control is illusory.

25. Despite the criminal life I have led, deep down I am basically a good person 1

I do not resemble the premise of one having lived a criminal life. Yes, I committed crimes, but it was not the main focus of my life. That would have been work. Why I disagree with this statement is that I am a human being, which means I am a flawed being. I am a person trying to do more good than bad.

 26. I will frequently start an activity, project, or job but then never finish it 1

No, I keep plugging away, promising that I will get back to it. Just like I keep hoping to get back to my fiction.

 27. I regularly hear voices and see visions which others do not hear or see 1

Nope, not a problem, never been a problem.

28. When it's all said and done, society owes me 1

I do not think this applies to me at all. However, its presence here bothers me However, society does owe me - as it does everyone - certain rights such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I owe society the duty of not using my rights to harm others. So, society does not owe me for the harm, I did. But what the person who resorted to crime because society refused them their rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? This statement implies that thinking they are owed by society is a refusal to take individual responsibility. A person denied the rights mentioned above could take individual responsibility and still think society owes them when society has not given them the protections it gives to others. A society that does not take responsibility for denying a human being their rights as a human being is a sociopathic society.

29. I have said to myself more than once that if it wasn't for someone "snitching" on me I would have never gotten caught 1

If anyone snitched on me, it was myself acting in the most conspicuous way possible to enable myself being caught. 

30. I tend to let things go which should probably be attended to, based on my belief that they will work themselves out 2

I have found in the past 16 years, patience is a virtue. Time has a way of solving some problems. On the other hand, letting the dishes in the sink goes leads only to new lifeforms evolving. 

31. I have used alcohol or drugs to eliminate fear or apprehension before committing a crime 1

Nope, not even the crimes for which I was convicted. I think here is another question more applicable to someone with a more extensive criminal life than I lead.

 32. I have made mistakes in life 4

Well, I think that is obvious. If not, then ask my ex-girlfriends, ex-wife, friends, and family members. When I was in prison, I looked back on my life and the choices I had made, and decided that whenever I had made a major choice in my life, I had made the wrong choice. Better to ask if I have learned from my mistakes, and what I have done to ameliorate any harm I have done. I would like to think this blog is my prime example of working on both.

 33. On the streets I would tell myself I needed to rob or steal in order to continue living the life I had coming 1

I never lived on the streets. I worked, so no need to rob or steal. But what is this "the life I had coming"? Does that mean rob and steal to stay alive? I do think this statement has to confuse many; perhaps, even the one who wrote it.

 34. I like to be on center stage in my relationships and conversations with others, controlling things as much as possible 1

Control is too much work for me. Being center stage takes too much time from getting done one's work.

35. When questioned about my motives for engaging in crime, I have justified my behavior by pointing out how hard my life has been 1

I do not think I have tried justifying my behavior in 2009. I was nuts. That is not justification, it is a warning to others to take better care of their mental health before they wind up like me. 

 36. I have trouble following through on good initial intentions 2

Well, who doesn't? Good intentions are not always welcomed. CC is a good example - I have good intentions that she change her self-destructive behavior, and if I press too hard she does not take my intentions in a good way. My ex-wife found my good intentions completely unwelcome, but I did get my apology through to her.

37. I find myself expressing tender feelings toward animals or little children in order to make myself feel better after committing a crime or engaging in irresponsible behavior 1

No, and thinking anyone would sounds a little creepy to me. I find myself wondering what kind of people are supervising my life. They come across with far stranger ideas than I, and leave me wondering if my being in their system lets them exercise thoughts they keep otherwise bottled up.

 38. There have been times in my life when I felt I was above the law 1

No, that is for our President of the United States.

 39. It seems that I have trouble concentrating on the simplest of tasks 1

I wash dishes for a living; I do my job well.

   40. I tend to act impulsively under stress 1

I decided in prison to eliminate all sources of stress in my life. Prison life itself was rather stress-free - no clients, no payroll to meet, no bills to pay, no taxes, no one's expectations to deal with. Now, I do not own a car, have minimal expenses, have no crazy people in my life. This keeps the depression away as much as does my writing and Zoloft.

 41. Why should I be made to appear worthless in front of friends and family when it is so easy to take from others 1

Again, a non sequitur? Any appearance of worthlessness, I created, and I cannot complain about my intentions reaching fruition. Second, I did not take from others, so this part seem s inapplicable. Still, I do not see the progression from worthless appearance to taking from others to improve one's worth. One's worth comes from one's accomplishments, not taking.

 42. I have often not tried something out of fear that I might fail 1

I wish. If I had, I would not have made such a fool of myself.

 43. I tend to put off until tomorrow what should have been done today 2

Okay, if I am not feeling well, I do put off things such as washing dishes and taking out the trash. There are deadlines for a reason. There is the effort to catch up. Then there is pain that drives one to bed and other thoughts out of one's mind.

44. Although I have always realized that I might get caught for a crime, I would tell myself that there was "no way they would catch me this time" 2

I couldn't understand what took them so long; I was doing my best to attract their attention.

45. I have justified selling drugs, burglarizing homes, or robbing banks by telling myself that if I didn't do it someone else would 1

Well, I never did any of those things, so no attempts at justifying what never was.

 46. I find it difficult to commit myself to something I am not sure of because of fear 1

Fear? No, Cost or having the available time/energy? Yes.

47. People have difficulty understanding me because I tend to jump around from subject to subject when talking 1

I never had this complaint. If I had any complaint about conversation, it was using words people did not understand.

48. There is nothing more frightening than change 1

Change is life. Strokes frighten me. Being paralyzed from the neck down frightens me. 

 49. Nobody tells me what to do and if they try I will respond with intimidation, threats, or I might even get physically aggressive 1

Anything but. What do intimidation, threats, or physical aggression accomplish? On the other hand, if what someone tells me to do is to harm someone else, I suppose the only solution is to physically oppose the order.

50. When I commit a crime or act irresponsibly I will perform a "good deed" or do something nice for someone as a way of making up for the harm I have caused 2

I think one should make amends for the harm done. Frankly, that is what the law is supposed to accomplish. However, that does not seem to be the thrust of the statement. The "good deed" does not seem to be reparations.

 51. I have difficulty critically evaluating my thoughts, ideas, and plans

Except for what got me in trouble, I think I am overly critical of my own ideas.

52. Nobody before or after can do it better than me because I am stronger, smarter, or slicker than most people 1

This statement made me laugh. I think I am a dullard with a failing back and ruined lungs. There are plenty of people who are stronger, smarter and slicker than myself. 

 53. I have rationalized my irresponsible actions with such statements as "everybody else is doing it so why shouldn't I"

I have seen plenty of what other people are doing, and would not want to be associated with them or their doings. My irresponsible actions came from my thinking that the universe was against me, and that I wanted out on the universe's joke. Suicide, however, is harder than it looks. Depression is a lot tougher to kick than you might think.

 54. If challenged I will sometimes go along by saying "yeah, you're right," even when I know the other person is wrong, because it's easier than arguing with them about it 1

This blog has plenty of examples of where I argue rather than go along.

 55. Fear of change has made it difficult for me to be successful in life 1

No, my lack of health care did me in. Better care of my mental health would have saved me much trouble.

56. The way I look at it I'm not really a criminal because I never intended to hurt anyone 1

I am a criminal because I committed a criminal act and pled guilty to that crime.

 57. I still find myself saying "the hell with working a regular job, I'll just take it" 1

Since I never told myself this, I had to disagree.

58. I sometimes wish I could take back certain things I have said or done

Oops, missed that one. But I would strongly agree, 

 59. Looking back over my life I can see now that I lacked direction and consistency of purpose 2

Mostly, I think I had not much consistency and not enough thought about the direction and its purposes. Then came a time when nothing seemed worthwhile, that I felt useless, and I was just a hamster on a wheel.

  60. Strange odors, for which there is no explanation, come to me for no apparent reason 1

Strange odors around here usually have an explanation.

 61. When on the streets I believed I could use drugs and avoid the negative consequences (addiction, compulsive use) that I observed in others 1

I was not on the streets, and what drug use I did left me quite bored.

 62. I tend to be rather easily sidetracked so that I rarely finish what I start 1

Slowed down is a better description than sidetracked. 

63. If there is a short-cut or easy way around something I will find it 2

If the short-cut is the better way of doing a job, I will look for it. If the easy way means not doing a better job, then it is not really the easy way, is it?

 64. I have trouble controlling my angry feelings 1

Whether it is age, health, Zoloft, or returning to church and philosophy, anger has not been an issue these past 15 years.

 65. I believe that I am a special person and that my situation deserves special consideration 1

Special idiot is more like it. Special is not a word I have ever applied to myself.

 66. There is nothing worse than being seen as weak or helpless 1

Being a bully is far worse.

 67. I view the positive things I have done for others as making up for the negative things 2

If atonement is meant here, then I do take a more optimistic view of what I have done of my positive things. However, it cannot make up for the harm done, only try to heal any wounds.

68. Even when I set goals I frequently do not obtain them because I am distracted by events going on around me 2

Events do have the ability to distract - anyone reading here knows that politics has distracted me from other writing. It is hard for me to say this distraction is not a needed one.

 69. There have been times when I tried to change but was prevented from doing so because of fear 1

Inertia had more to do with a lack of change than fear. Not seeing any options left open to me was another. If I had thought there was another escape from my old life other than suicide, I would have taken it. Depression tends to distort one's thinking into narrowness.

 70. When frustrated I will throw rational thought to the wind with such statements as "screw it" or "the hell with it" 1

I wish I had. Instead, my old modus operandi was to keep butting my head against the wall. Now, I take naps.

 71. I have told myself that I would never have had to engage in crime if I had had a good job 1

My crime was not economic, it was moral. I had a good job, it had nothing to do with my crime other than how it fed my depression that led me into self-destructive ways.

72. I can see that my life would be more satisfying if I could learn to make better decisions 4

Yes. Of course, "better decisions" leaves open much for discussion. (I suppose so does "more satisfying".) In my current life, I have decided to cut out all the sources of stress I can and to live simply. This find satisfying. However, who can tell if the decisions made are really better until one is dead?

73. There have been times when I have felt entitled to break the law in order to pay for a vacation, new car, or expensive clothing that I told myself I needed 1

Never had to do this. And expensive clothing? Lol. Men's Wearhouse for my last suit. I took three vacations in 22 years. There is no paid vacation for the self-employed.

 74. I rarely considered the consequences of my actions when I was in the community 1

I considered the consequences, only they turned out not to be those I expected. Which is why I am chagrined to be alive.

 75.  A significant portion of my life on the streets was spent trying to control people and situation (sic). 1

I spent most of my life surfing the waves of chaos until I decided all was chaos and the only way out was to take myself out of the universe.

76. When I first began breaking the law I was very cautious, but as time went by and I didn't get caught I became overconfident and convinced myself that I could do just about anything and get away with it 1

Yeah, right. That is why I quit Yahoo Chatrooms in January 2010 because I thought I could get away with anything. No, I quit when I saw some of the stuff and realized that I had gone too far, and that my plan for the government to help my destroy my life that was going nowhere. Or so I thought.

77.  As I look back on it now, I was a pretty good guy even though I was involved in crime 1

I was a miserable human bent on self-destruction, thinking that nothing he did was a help to anyone. That is how I felt then, and looking back just makes me add moron to the list of character flaws.

78.  There have been times when I have made plans to do something with my family and then cancelled these plans so that I could hang out with my friends, use drugs, or commit crimes 1

Nope.

79.  I tend to push problems to the side rather than dealing with them 1

That goes against all my upbringing and training. I deluded myself into thinking I had my depression under control - but is part of the disease and perhaps its most insidious effect. If anything, I spend too much time on too many problems, else I would not spend so much time writing about what I do on this blog.

80.  I have used good behavior (abstaining from crime for a period of time) or various situations (fight with a spouse) to give myself permission to commit a crime or engage in other irresponsible activities such as using drugs 1

No. CC asked me while I was living in the motel if the place did not set me off to use drugs. I had never thought of it. Drugs are boring - they make me feel stupid, sleepy, dull. Nothing that makes me want to go back to that kind of feeling. That crack cocaine did not kill me back in 2009 left it without any utility for my purposes then. That I decided in prison - since all of my old choices and ways had not been beneficial - to do what I had not done, self-destruction is off the table. Therefore, there was nothing in that statement that had any meaning in my life.

Feel free to leave any comments below.

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