Shame, Humility, Humanity

 I tried killing myself without any success. I thought I had put myself in a position where I would be so embarrassed I could not talk myself out of one more suicide attempt. After I got arrested I got news that negated any suicide attempts. Then I went to prison assuming the lungs had to finally stop in the ensuing 10 years.

In prison, I joined the Orthodox Church. I read the Church Fathers. They emphasized the virtues, particularly humility, and not judging others as a way of life. We would be judged by how we lived.

For those who might turn a deaf ear to religious talk, take a look at Philosophy For The Guilty: Andy West Interviewed By Rob Doyle:

AW: I think if you’ve experienced intense shame then things tend to go one of two ways. You can either pass it on and shame the next guy for being even more of a lowlife than you are. Or it can open your heart and make you more merciful, because you know for yourself just how important mercy is.

That said, I’ve occasionally met people in prison who have done things that I find really awful and I can’t always manage a Christ-like, all-forgiving response. I think that’s where I’ve learned to be ambivalent about people. A single prisoner can be both kind and brutal, honest in one corner of their life and fraudulent in another and many contradictory things at once. I’ve found that someone with those inner pluralities tends to make for an interesting person to have a philosophical conversation with.

What I don’t want to do is say that someone’s moment of brutality therefore annuls their kindness and make the worst thing someone has done the most fundamental thing about them. That’s the executioner. I try not to put any more of that kind of thinking into the world. Teaching philosophy is a great way to do this because I get to relate to people in terms of their possibility rather than by their rap sheet.

The heart is too complex for judgment. We can approach its multitudinous contradictions through the arts. That is all we can do.

sch 5/28/22