Thinking, Part Four

 The Flitcraft Story has been on my mind.

The what? It is part of Dashiell Hammett's The Maltese Falcon. Fallingbeam.org republishes the whole story. Please read it.

I wrote KH about a decade ago that I felt like I did when I was nineteen. Physically I was pretty much a wreck. Mentally, I had seen the stupidity of my suicide attempts, of the way I had been living, and thanks  to Gabriel Garcia Marquez had found the goal of lucidity. The goal was easy since I expected my lungs to stop before my release from prison. But the feeling I had was that I had over-complicated my life, that I had plunged into too much for too long that I had gone along with from inertia more than any interest on my part, that I had played a part that was not actually myself. Do not think I absolved myself for either my crimes or sins. No, I came to the conclusion I bore a responsibility for all I did wrong and to repair as best as possible the damage done. I felt like I had because I cast away the garbage I had accumulated over the last few decades. The process was not pleasant, I saw how I had been all too willing to be a moron without sny goals other than to drift through life, play a tourist in the world of bizarre behavior. The result I like. It has the sweetness of liberty, the ease of a proper movement.

This is an ongoing project of lucidity and right living. It is search for an authentic, better, me.

Got to get ready for work and group therapy.

sch