Habit and Morality (Part One), 9-16-2010

Bob Dylan warned of a hard rain coming. We should all have some idea of how we do wrong. Yet, habit obscures our thinking. St. Augustine wrote about the hesitancy derived from habit:

26. The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my old mistresses, still enthralled me; they shook my fleshly garment, and whispered softly, "Do you part with us? And from that moment shall we no more be with you for ever? And from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for you for ever?" And what did they suggest to me in the words "this or that?" What is it that they suggested, O my God? Let Your mercy avert it from the soul of Your servant. What impurities did they suggest! What shame! And now I far less than half heard them, not openly showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering, as it were, behind my back, and furtively plucking me as I was departing, to make me look back upon them. Yet they did delay me, so that I hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them, and to leap over whither I was called — an unruly habit saying to me, "Do you think you can live without them?"

The Confessions,Book VIII, xi

I curbed my tongue when I feared speech would hurt my business. I was uncharitable, but wasted my money on women and drugs and other selfish things. Two voices kept arguing in my had - one angry and one defensive. One wanted to change things. The other rationalized away my actions and the world, aiming for acquiescence. My anger led me to seeing no changes in my life, no betterment of any kind, and then to self-destruction. Habit would not let me escape from the construct of my life/

I can say now that my self-destruction liberated me, as it sends me to prison. I no longer worry about the reaction when I argue against conservatism, or that racism perverted racism, or that we have educated our people as robots rather than citizens, or that we have turned American exceptionalism into a cult of whiny cowardice. What I say may change nothing, except for my cowardice. My conscience feels better.

I remain troubled, knowing I cannot atone for the shock and disappointment given to family and friends. All I can do for them is to think crisply, writing well, and not shirk in my honesty/

I cannot suggest a similar course of action for others. I decided to destroy myself so that there would be nothing to commend me as a human being, as well as no breath in my lungs. I was prevented by my pretrial detention and a still viable conscience from carrying out my plans.

Instead, I undertook another course of action entirely: I chose to examine and exhibit what I did wrong with my life. The unexamined life is not worth living - I think Socrates said that a long, long time ago. I suggest you do the same.

sch

[To be continued in Habit and Morality (Part Two), 9-16-2010. sch 4-2-23.]