Contrition, 9-3-2010

 I spoke with my lawyer today. He said that he wants to make sure I get across my contrition to the judge.

I have doubts about the judge. He appears to me as very much a prosecutor's judge. He will adhere to the prosecutor's idea of a proper sentence. That removes the need for thinking and therefore decision-making by the judge. The prosecutor advocates following the federal sentencing guidelines, which remove all need for individual differences in sentencing. 

I worry more about getting across my contrition here. I doubt anyone will understand in the time allotted for a sentencing hearing how I played a self-destructive fool online. That I never had any intentions of harming anyone. All the stories and deceit I put out in chat rooms sounds much different in the real world.

Masquerades end sometime. Yahoo was filled with people masquerading in one form or another. But among those are some seriously dangerous people. My intentions to harm only myself should be clear to anyone reading these notes.

I write believing that death is coming for me. Even though I am no longer suicidal, I hold onto this belief. Three times I failed at suicide, that is enough and I no longer pursue death. It will come on its own. At the same time, I can say that have destroyed my life. I see no advantage in lying.

I can only be useful if I am honest in what I write here. Even those pieces I think of as merely political or literary must be my honest judgments. Which imposes an even greater burden on those pieces I think of my apologies and atonement pieces.

I want - must - get across my contrition for more than my crimes. I hit my wife twice. I hit CC. I lied to my former wife. I let my depression go untreated until the disease got me where I am. I was a coward. I cannot say I did much of any good in my life. Finally, there are my crimes.

Would I do nay of these again? No. For all it is worth, I had already turned my back on my criminal life. I cannot imagine wanting it back. [What no one still understands, my crimes served their purpose; no need to go repeat them. sch 3/22/23.] I destroyed my life and that was the purpose of my crimes.

Hitting my wife and CC shattered one illusion I had of myself. My crimes only confirmed that I was a horrible person. I saw only self-destruction as the solution to my life. Harming myself did not include another human being.

If I survive federal prison, I cannot see me returning to my former life. My intent was to drive what friends I had away from, to have no give a eulogy at my funeral. Those who remain will have died or moved on with their lives. 

That view of my future motivated me to use my writing as a means of atonement. Never again will I stop writing. If the paternal glaucoma arrives and takes my eyes for good, I will find some way to get the words out of my head.

I want to bear witness to the dangers of depression. I cannot do so with falsehoods. That I failed to control my depression ought to show my hubris. I ought to have sought treatment. I did not. I thought I had it under control. Now, I will spend the next twelve years in federal prison. Please pay attention, and learn from me.

For those who want to swim in the same waters as led me to prison, for the thrill-seekers, take a hard look at what the law will do to you. Those who are interested in the illegal subject matter, get help. 

Maybe this way I can do the world some good. I see no other way, with prison looming and my doubts about the strength of my lungs. I see never coming out from the black cloud I placed over myself. I taint my family and remaining friends. I can never escape from these facts. In no way will my words repair the damage done by my actions. I would have it no other way - for therein lies a blatant dishonesty I cannot stomach. I tried to be responsible in my earlier life. That I meant to destroy myself was the last vestige of my sense of responsibility. If I do not survive my imprisonment, I can go easily, thinking my written penance survives me.

I know only one other way to make clear my sincerity. However, I have given up suicide. I can do nothing further to prove my sincerity. Please read what I have written and learn from me.

sch