Belief, 9-15-2010 (Part Two)

 [Continued from Belief, 9-15-2010 (Part One). sch 3/31/23.]

Being alive allowed tow of my friends the opportunity of convincing me that I survived for a purpose, and I needed to write. Which is why I am writing this piece, and why I wrote all the others. Do not criticize my friends for giving me purpose, or for the foolishness I have put down on paper. Of what I have written, all I can say is I have put all of my honesty into them. I have to redeem my existence of any fraud. I make a point of my honesty so that any reader will understand what follows.

I believe I would not be on my way to federal prison if I had not destroyed or obstructed all human connections. The Church I include within the definition of human connections. Depression creates feelings and then thoughts of utter desolation. I say withdrawing from humanity exacerbated feelings that could have been prevented, and the Church is one connection that could have benefitted me. I will not say that this will be true for all, with or without depression. Just do not reject the suggestion out of hand. I did when my father made the suggestion. Nor do I want to imply that the Church will solve all problems with depression. [The thought that I did not complete in 2010 is that reconnecting with humanity may be a lifeline for those with depression. My 2023 self would tell my 2010 self, that cause and effect gets muddled with depression - it is hard to say if depression causes us to separate from the mass of humanity or if separating from the mass of humanity causes our depression - but one must recognize the separation as dangerous. sch 3/31/23.]

On that last point, I find C.S. Lewis wrote felicitously on this subject:

...Most of us are not really approaching the subject in order to find out what Christianity says: we are approaching it in hope of finding support from Christiianity for the views of our own party. We are looking for an ally when we are offered either a Master or a Judge....

I parried my father's suggestion because I did not want to expose myself to any more pain - pain of failed relationships, pain of failed ambitions, pain of failed self-images - and preferred self-destruction. So, I resembled what C.S. Lewis described above (that is from Mere Christianity, "Social Morality.") 

I did think about returning to the church for several years. I never discussed this with my wife or my friends or my family. I had been doing some long distance flirting with Orthodoxy - just skip Roman Catholicism and go back to the beginning - which upsets what I used to say about Baptists who left the denomination: either they became Catholics or religious anarchists. Except I felt myself beyond redemption, so I did nothing.

After reading C.S. Lewis, I now think the Anglican church interests me, also. Why these two denominations? Well, I was raised a Protestant and I cannot get past Catholicism's doctrine of papal infallibility.

I will put off this decision until I return from prison. I will attend services there - the lack of communion has long troubled me - but no decision about a particular denomination. Whatever happens with my faith, I will report as time goes by. Meanwhile, think on your own beliefs.

sch