Thinking on My Group Therapy

I started writing about last weeks session with Group Therapy #3.

Now, I am continuing.

First, let me say I do not know why I am in this group. Oh, I know I committed a crime of a particular variety and counseling is in my supervised release order. What I do mot is the particular therapeutic purpose of this specific group. I freely admit my ignorance lies behind my suspicion about the treatment's efficacy.

Words cause a more specific problem.

Group members and the counselor said I was engaging in semantics. It was mentioned several times by the counselor that I was a lawyer. The group associated lawyer with word games and therefore with semantics. That words have meanings and those meanings have importance was taught me long before law school.  

Definition of semantics

1: the study of meanings:

a: the historical and psychological study and the classification of changes in the signification of words or forms viewed as factors in linguistic development

b(1): SEMIOTICS

(2): a branch of semiotics dealing with the relations between signs and what they refer to and including theories of denotation, extension, naming, and truth

2: GENERAL SEMANTICS

3a: the meaning or relationship of meanings of a sign or set of signsespecially : connotative meaning

b: the language used (as in advertising or political propaganda) to achieve a desired effect on an audience especially through the use of words with novel or dual meanings

There was one particular word: watch. Which I find defined as:

 verb (used without object)

to be alertly on the lookout, look attentively, or observe, as to see what comes, is done, or happens:

to watch while an experiment is performed.

to look or wait attentively and expectantly (usually followed by for):

to watch for a signal;

to watch for an opportunity.

verb (used with object)

to keep under attentive view or observation, as in order to see or learn something; view attentively or with interest:

to watch a play;

to watch a football game.

to contemplate or regard mentally:

to watch his progress

The context was what I did with the illegal images underlying my crimes. I said "saw" or "looked" and 'watched" was insisted upon. 

Look:

transitive verb

1: to make sure or take care (that something is done)

censor to look that no man lived idly

— Edward Gee

2: to ascertain by the use of one's eyes

look what I brought you

3a: to exercise the power of vision upon : EXAMINE

See: 

a: to perceive by the eye

b: to perceive or detect as if by sight

2a: to be aware of : RECOGNIZE

sees only our faults

Hard for me to say I watch still images; even harder when I was only selecting thumbnails rather than full images while multitasking. But then any further explanation was cut off by my haste or being cut off, interrupted by my listeners. They said I was using justification.

a: the act or an instance of justifying something : VINDICATION

arguments offered in justification of their choice

b: an acceptable reason for doing something : something that justifies an act or way of behaving

could provide no justification for his decision

I thought I was explaining what I did, not offering excuses. I think anyone reading my notes here will find I make excuses for what I did. I never thought there was an acceptable reason for what I was doing. I thought it was so unacceptable that when it became known I would have no other choice but suicide. I even knew that was crazy and there were times when I was not actively pursuing self-destruction. When the cops showed up on Yahoo Chat I thought it the hand of fate. I see that now was craziness, too. The kind of craziness that comes along with depression. So I warn everyone to get treatment for their depression.

When I was not being told I was using justification, I had the counselor trying to prove me a liar. Do I contradict myself? Certainly.  I contradicted myself back then. There were times when I refuted myself.  My route and my thinking were never straight, never consistent, never wholly coherent until the cops showed up on Yahoo.

Not that I think my explanation will matter to my counselor. She seems intent on proving my interests were more prurient, that my interest was only in me satisfying my own perverse interests, that I have particular mental illness. My only way of surviving this group may be lying about a preference I have never felt.

sch