Group Therapy #3

I have taken two days to start this post. I do not know if I remain as unsettled by Tuesday's experience ad I was but I am calmer. I do not like what I see in this group therapy.

I have written before I have trust issues bordering (encroaching?) On paranoia. I have known since our first meeting the counselor neither liked nor believed why I got involved with illegal pictures. When she told me I would need to attend the sessions, she told me we would discuss my motivations, I thought she was laying for me.

Lo and behold, I was the featured entertainment at the last session. Actually, I felt like a target.

We started with another federal offender, another picture case, who is ending his time in the group. He talked how he got watching porn after having been molested by his maternal grandfather. Then the counselor asked if I had any questions of him. I did not. As far as I could see, we had nothing in common.  Terrible story. He has my sympathy even though when we briefly spoke afterwards I got the distinct impression of him disliking me.

So, the counselor asked me to tell my story. I was tired from the day's work and I was nervous and I gave a concise statement of facts. Probably too concise. Counselor snd group members started picking me apart.

I told the group I thought I thought I would be released and I would go home and put the car in the garage. The counselor accused me of lying. That I had told her I intended suicide. I disputed this. One of the group may cleared up for her that putting the car in the garage was for the purpose of suicide.

 I mentioned smoking crack. I mentioned the suicide attempt with pills that turned out to be laxatives. He thought I should have known what the pills ere because I smoked crack. He must have not heard they were my wife's and I thought she had said they were something different. 

 The counselor and I disagreed over the meaning of watch. She would have my seeing being watching.

I said I found this one video and it woke me up as my having gone too far and she went back to the watching issue. That I had thought it something else and lasted seconds never were gotten to as for her everything came to whether I watched or not.

When I told the the group I was trying to be honest and would not lie, the counselor interrupted me. She told me that was a lie.

Long ago, when I started this journal, I decided and wrote down that I would be honest in what I wrote here, but zI would not expose the secrets of others. I will not lie to protect myself (what is left to protect?) but I will not expose others to ridicule - even if the only reason for such ridicule is their knowing me. I see no profit in lying about myself. It just gets in the way of my education, of not returning to the craziness I had immersed myself in for years.

I will close here. With more to follow tomorrow. I did get my food stamps. 

Okay, let me go out with this from BTO:

It will not happen but it is a great song.

sch