What I Should Have Written Yesterday

 I do not know why I have been feeling light-headed and tired and achy this past week. It got worse by Friday and better by last night. Between Friday night and Saturday night, I gave my Zoloft a run for its money and was ready to quit writing. This was the worst episode of depression I have had in years. 

I went to Payless around 1 pm and got back around 3 pm with nothing in my hand. I was quite angry, though. Furious, even. With the Whitely bus running only on the hour and being too lazy for carrying groceries over from the Muncie Shops stop of the Mall bus, I intended to catch the 2:15 bus back from Payless. Trouble started as soon as I ordered some chicken, meaning to have a snack before buying groceries. The fellow running the counter at Payless seemed to be taking forever. I began feeling oppressed by escaping time. Outside, I went and ate and then when back in the store. Way too many people doing the same thing as me. I filled my basket – baskets keep me from buying too much – and was standing in line in the self-check. People were putting through scads and scads of groceries, the line was long, my annoyance I kept in check, but then I saw the bus go by. I put down the basket, left the store, and high-tailed it across the street to Northwest Plaza. I decided I would go elsewhere. Downtown at the station, I could not find the Whitely bus to get me back home. I looked at the phone and saw I had run after the wrong bus. Habit, an addled brain, whatever the cause, had me mistaking the bus I needed. This did not make me any less angry – probably more so. I began wondering why I even existed; why I had ever given up on suicide.

I saw the Mall bus pull in. It was tuck halfway out in main Street, so I had to wait on it. While waiting, I leaned back on a section of chain link fence. This fence had nothing supporting it. I went back on my backside. Existence became a pratfall, a farce. Fate or whoever is pulling the strings ought to have let me go back in the day. No, welcome to the cosmic joke that is me.

The mall bus took me to Target. I got some of the items I mean tot buy at Payless. I passed on the pork loin. I did buy two pieces of chocolate cream pie. If it is my endocrine system that was going on the fritz, I meant to go out in style. I did not induce diabetic shock to my disgust.

I was also getting paranoid about people from the church. No emails. I assumed the worst. 

No one to talk to, I felt disconnected.

The weather was bright, shiny, with that hint of chill that warns of winter's coming. 

The leaves are changing. Autumn is here.

I had worked on a section of “Road Tripping” in the morning. While on the bus I resolved to just quit all the fiction. I even played with the idea of dumping all the journals. Get rid of everything I wrote over the past 13 years. 

I knew these were the signs of my depression – anger, paranoia, self-destructive ideas.

The chocolate cream pie did slow me down. 

Sometime, I walked down to Dollar General for Coke Zero. It had to have been after dinner. Again, another line at the cashier frustrating me. I brought home a few more items I had left behind at Payless. 

Sometime after I got back here, things began to cool down. The problem was not when I down, but when I was more like manic. Then I am more angry and that means I stop thinking and just want to break things – mostly myself.

I got an email from the church guy and that made me like a judgmental fool.

The rest of the night I spent doing the research for dad's trust and revising a section of “Road Tripping”. I had a couple of emails from KH. 

It is 4:05 pm by this point.

I did some work on my novella. I went down to Dollar General for more supplies of Coke Zero and teriyaki sauce. I did some reading. Then there was research for MW. Now, I am going for a bike ride.

Yesterday feels as far away as the moon. I made sure to take my Zoloft first thing this morning.

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