Repentance, 9-16-2010

 I talked with my father this evening. It was the longest, most in-depth conversation we had on the question of my crimes and what I was doing and why. He has lost most of his sight than I had previously understood (or he had informed me) and has not read as much as I thought he had. Which leaves me wondering how clear I have been about my purposes and why I need to repent.

This bit from C.S. Lewis describes my emotional state here:

 Remember, this repentance, this willing submission to humuiliation and a kind of death, is not something God demands of you befoe He will take you before He will take you back and which He could let you off if He chose: It is simply a description of what going back to Him is like....

(Mere Christianity, "The Perfect Penitent") 

By failing in my last suicide effort, I left myself in a world of humiliation and desolation. I wrecked the life I had previously without achieving me the ignorance of non-existence. All that is left me is the chance to do some good.

What good can I do? Truthfully, I can only hope to do some good. I can exhibit my errors and wrongs so that others may learn from them. I see k the opposite of self-aggrandizement. No spin - repentance forecloses spin.

 You will find in these notes what I hope will serve as my penance. My imprisonment serves a different purpose, one dictated by the government. I do not expect helping myself as helping anyone who change on these notes. In the end, my argument is simple for those leaving their depression untreated, or those seeking thrills online: change your ways; stop what you are doing; get help.

 I also think applicable some of C.S. Lewis:

...In the same way a Christian ius not a man who never goes wrong, but a man who isa ble to repent and pick himself up and being again after each stumble - because the Christ-like is, inside him, repairing ing him all the time, enabling him to repeat (in some degree) the same voluntary death hich Christ Himself carried out.

(Mere Christianity, "The Practical Conclusion") 

I offer to give others hope, as a counter-example and preventive to the example of me.

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