A Hell of a Thing, 6-20-2010

 It is a hell of a thing to live long enough to learn how blessedly ignorant are the dead.

I would be dead now if my plans had not awry. If I were dead, I would never have known my ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend did love me, and I would not have known the affection others had for me. I based my plans were premised on an incorrect understanding of reality. 

But by being dead, I could be blessedly ignorant of the hurt my attempts at suicide caused to more people than I expected.

Last night, I spoke with my ex-wife's youngest son. In a thin, tentative voice, he told me he missed me. My heart started to break. Someone will have to tell him he will not see me again in this lifetime. And that will be another thought I will not be able to get out of my head, for it will be a hell of a thing.

sch